


The Inability to Understand

by survivorcharm



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's very vague, M/M, Saimami, amasai, mention of suicide, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28034817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/survivorcharm/pseuds/survivorcharm
Summary: He knew the adventurer only wanted to help and assist his current panicking episode, but it still bothered him immensely. Not him, but the fact that he couldn't apprehended his struggles and internal dread.Which, wasn't his fault, and instead his, since he was a scrambling mess and not coherent.Saihara isn't in the best of states, and Amami attempts to understand. Yet, the other believes he can't.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Kudos: 35





	The Inability to Understand

**Author's Note:**

> sad nights are not great

"I can't do this." The breathless voice was concerning. It was too much to handle and it became overbearing to contain himself.

The boy next to him steadied his sitting position on the bed. Amami held his hand, and his cold rings rubbed against him. He attempted to ground Saihara with a velvety yet stern tone. "What do you mean?"

"I can't—" A huff escaped his trembling lips, and soon his breathing became crooked. "I don't- I don't know what I'm doing."

The detective found himself tearing up, and soon, tears began sliding down his reddening cheeks. It felt as if something were choking him, and halting his breathing. He tried desperately to cling onto himself, and to control his body. His right hand grasped onto his bedsheets, and his body shivered. 

"Saihara-kun, I want to help you, but, I don't understand." Amami squeezed his hand in a reassuring way, and he then brought his palm to rub the other's back. "Talk to me.."

Saihara was sputtering and trying to spill out words. It became frustrating that his boyfriend couldn't hear him, and that he couldn't just transfer words over to him. His free hand flailed and grazed his bed. 

His head burned in irritation and embarrassment. It was  _ childish _ , completely irrational, that he was acting this way. In fact, he should be cheery and grateful. Yet, instead, a flaming needle poked his heart, and boiled him. 

After a few short breathes and attempts to calm himself, he suddenly spoke harshly. " _ Everything _ , Amami-kun. Every  _ fucking _ thing."

His statement wasn't too exaggerated, if he was to judge. In fact, it came close to accurate, because everything irked him. For such a astute person, his logical side had malfunctioned. His brain went into overdrive, and swarming thoughts vanquished calming and serene.

Saihara was aware that his voice was impolite and harsh. He knew the adventurer only wanted to help and assist his current panicking episode, but it still bothered him immensely. Not him, but the fact that he couldn't apprehended his struggles and internal dread. 

Which, wasn't his fault, and instead his, since he was a scrambling mess and not coherent.

Yet it still managed a bubbling sensation to clog his throat. It continued to grow and sting, and soon he found himself clawing his throat in distress. He couldn't breathe, feel, nor restrain himself from loosening his grip around him. His previous black coated nails were chipped and dugged into his skin. It created red markings, but he felt no pain. Instead, his sensations began faltering, and his vision became increasingly blurry. 

Amami caught onto Saihara's hand and firmly pulled it away. Now both pairs of hands were interlocked with each other's, and the warmth the taller one had began to envelop Saihara's lack of touch. Though, he felt an uncomfortable tingle within the grasp. He squirmed under the hold, but couldn't escape. He felt  closed in , so _trapped_ and cornered. 

The overwhelmed one only needed to to speak, to communicate something. He knew his partner didn't mean it, but it became immensely tense to be kept still. It would be stopped if his lips were to just open, make a noise, and not merely shake and wiggle.

"Saihara-kun, calm down," Amami tried once again to ease him. He brought one of Saihara's trembling palms to his chest, and rested it near his heart. He then rubbed his knuckles, hoping it would help. "I want to understand-"

Despite his patient aura oozing in Saihara, he was still piqued. The prick of anger shot through his veins, and he couldn't control the emotional pressure building within him. The boiling water arose to a tipping point, and soon, the metaphorical liquid bursted and steamed out.

"B-but _that's_ the i-issue, you _WON'T_ understand. You-" His breath hitched mid-sentence, and he choked on a sob. The tears that flowed reached down his chin, and droplets were falling onto the bed and his pants. He forcefully tugged one of his hands away from Amami, despite fighting himself to stay put and act kindly. The hand wiped away tears, but it didn't help, as more poured down. His hand pressed against his face, and dragged down. He was hopelessly fiddling his hand, attempting to do something that didn't involve trapping himself. Another cough and pathetic cry left his mouth, and the detective muffled it with his black sleeve. 

He sighed helplessly, and huffed out a few inaudible words that held no meaning. After mumbling, Amami could make out only one sentence, since it was groaned out much louder than the other murmurs. 

" Oh _god_ ," his voice was raspy, broken like. " _You won't_ _ understand_ _._ " 

The emphasis of not understanding confused and disturbed the adventurer. What would he be unable to process? Saihara was normally clear and intelligent when explaining. He thoroughly analyzed something in his head before speaking, and was rarely clustered unless flustered or spacing out. So, why was he adamant about his lover being incapable of realizing?

"Saihara-kun, I don't know what you're thinking, but..." His thumb moved from caressing Saihara's knuckles to now circling around his palm. "I'm pretty sure I can understand. And even if I can't, I want you to talk to me."

His gaze was soft, but Saihara refused to look at his eyes. The detective knew they weren't deadly, but he still couldn't bring himself to glance in his direction. His eyes wondered to the floor, but it only appeared a dark scheme, since his vision clouded with tears. 

"Please, talk to me."

For a moment, the room was filled with only sobs and sniffling. Saihara grew quiet, and Amami kept his lips shut, waiting. The anticipation for something to slip out the latters mouth bothered the greenette, but he knew he had to remain patient. For the sake of progress, he needed to be silent. 

With the silence drowning into Saihara, it only took a matter of time before he fell into Amami's hands and shattered. 

He shoved himself against the other, clinging onto him in a desperate manner. Piercing wails fell from his lips, and he shouted into the cloth of his boyfriend's blue striped sweater. He breathing was ragged as he gasped for air, and his whole body slumped and huddled in Amami's chest. His attempts to contain himself were in shambles as he continued to groan painfully, possibly in hopes that his voice would run dry. An emptiness consumed him, yet he still let tears build and fall. 

The rawness in his cries strunk the adventurer, both in a sympathetic and guilty way. His hands found themselves wrapping around Saihara; one near his waist and the other on his back. The one resting on his back began to rub circles and other shapes as comfort. Amami leaned down slightly to press his lips against navy hair, and then proceed to whisper comforting words to the weeping one. 

"You're okay, Saihara-kun."

"I'm right here for you, okay?"

"I've got you."

"You're safe with me."

"I won't leave you."

Unfortunately, the last line didn't settle well with Saihara. It caused a twist in his stomach, and he shook his head in denial and agony.

"Please," he managed to choke out in a hasty voice, "I-I don't— I don't want to leave."

The sudden plea caught Amami off guard. His eyebrows raised, and he was tempted to stop his gestures before realizing that would be the worst action to take. He brought the hand clug along the bluenette's waist up to his slightly greasy and tangled hair, and brushed his fingers through it gently. Curiosity filled his head, but the adventurer would rather wait for questions than to overwhelm his boyfriend.

That wouldn't happen for another few minutes, though, as Saihara's pitiful sobs and harsh choking in his blue sweater continued. It seemed as if he'd been holding in unwanted emotions for a long period of time. Which, would make sense, because he appeared distressed for days from Amami's point of view.

If only he'd somehow realized sooner, or if he'd been more wary around him, this wouldn't of been the case. If he'd just— paid attention, instead of focusing on other unimportant tasks. If he wasn't so arrogant, maybe he wouldn't be hearing Saihara's horrific muffled cries. Maybe he wouldn't be a useless and confused comfort, if he had just seen.

After mentally blaming himself, Amami glimpsed down at his partner. He noticed that his breathing had softened, and he snuggled into his lap. There were still a few hasy breaths and sniffles, but the boy was calmer. 

The adventurer kept up his supportive gestures, and left another kiss on top of Saihara's crown. 

He responded with a shuffle, and then lifted away from the close embrace they had. Amami could see his eyes were extremely swollen from crying, and his face was covered in patches of crimson. Tears had still been trailing alongside his cheeks and dripping down to his chin. Some tears had even found themselves falling into his mouth, which tasted salty. 

Amami raised his hand up to Saihara's cheeks, and wiped away the tear stains that were left behind. The detective leaned into the touch and shuddered, since the contrast of his cold skin and his lover's warmth was apparent. Once done cleaning up his face, the pierced one leaned down once more and kissed the latter's nose. He then connected their forehead's, and closed his eyes, just to be safe. 

"Saihara-kun?" he tested the waters to see if it was fine to speak. He received a light hum, which he took as a sign of wanting a continuation. Sighing, he uttered quietly. "Can you speak to me?"

There wasn't a response for a few seconds, until the smaller one nodded slowly. It seemed that he'd been exhausted from the wailing, but Amami couldn't let him rest yet. He needed answers, and as much as it pained him, he couldn't let this incident brush by. It was too significant, and if he shrugged it off, he wasn't sure if the outcome would be pleasant.

"Okay, okay..." He didn't have an exact plan on how he'd come across. He didn't have an idea on anything currently, which was a rare occurrence. But he needed to think quickly before the situation deescalated, and was shoved away.

Though, maybe placing the worries aside was for the best. It was clear that his boyfriend wasn't in the best states, and he had no clue what to do. It would be better to have time, and think rationally before diving into problem solving. Perhaps Saihara needed only comfort at the moment, and Amami wasn't opposed to it.

"Hey, Saihara-kun... Do you want to talk about what happened?" He sighed, knowing that he needed to word everything properly. His words held both healing potential and accidental hurt, and he  needed to be cautious. "Or, we can do anything you want, okay? I'm going to be here for whatever you chose."

Another sniffle was heard below him, and he could hear a faint noise speak out to him.

"..Please...Can we- ah..can we just sleep, for a bit? I don't..." His voice sounded torn and hoarse, almost as if it were losing color. "I-I don't want to think about it..."

As gently as he could, Amami held onto Saihara, and scooped him into his arms. It caused the detective one to yelp quietly and tense up, but he soon relaxed once the other settled the both of them to a laying position. The greenette now held onto the latter around his waist. Saihara scrunched up into a ball, and nestled against Amami as an attempt to become comfortable. 

Reaching down, Amami gripped onto the white wrinkled blanket. He lifted it, and placed it above them. Now they were cozily huddled with each other, warm and shielded by the cover. The adventurer tugged his partner closer, and buried his head into his navy locks. Despite the slightly greasy texture, the hair still smelled similar to vanilla. 

Saihara sighed quietly, which was barely audible. He felt empty, tired— yet secure against his boyfriend. There was a hint of knowing he was safe, at least for now, because of the one holding onto him. He was almost confident enough to say that Amami truly cared for him with certainty. While he wouldn't push the idea too far, the boy knew there was some sort of reliability within their embrace.

His amber eyes began to flutter close as he was being tempted by sleep. The urge to simply doze off and forget the incident happened seemed welcoming. Yet, it felt wrong to not say a word. The one caring for him may be worried sick, and he's just willing to pass out? It didn't sit well with him. Though, he also had no clue what to say. 

So, the only words that he could manage was an apology. Quietly, "I'm sorry," was uttered out his mouth. 

Amami raised his eyebrows at this. He looked at Saihara concerningly, and he  hated it. He despised the look of sympathy, even though it was only a common reaction. But it made him feel worse for making him feel this way. He wish time was reversible, and he could hide away to prevent the incident that happened. 

"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

For some reason, the statement seemd incorrect. Saihara did do something wrong. Maybe not in his emerald, caring eyes, but to his, he knew what he did wrong. He knew what his actions were tempting to do.

The bluenette remained quiet, too frightened to let anything else slip from his mouth. In response, Amami simply kissed his forehead and cuddled closer.

"Let's get some sleep, yeah..?"

Saihara couldn't of wished for anything more. Finally, he let his eyes shut softly. He let the warm embrace drift him to sleep, and the occasional brushes of a hand against his hair comfort him. The feeling was identical to a heavenly paradise, at least in his mind.

After beginning to slip into unconscious, Saihara couldn't help but hear one last echo from the other.

"I love you, Saihara-kun. I won't leave you."

That's all the boy needed to hear before drifting into the dark abyss. His chest rised and fell in a tranquil way, as if he was fine. And, he was okay. Saihara was snuggled and trapped against his boyfriend, safe. It was a blessed sight for Amami, who just hugged him closer and cherished him.

The one still awake had begun growing tired. Attempting to care for the other was difficult and quite tiring. Yet he didn't mind it. After a few moments, he became languid with his movements. 

Before he could fall asleep, his green eyes didn't fail to notice a certain note on the night stand next to the bed with a glass of water above it. He could faintly see a scribbled signature, most likely to be Saihara's. The letter seemed to be a few paragraphs long with sloppy handwriting, but could be identified as the detective's. 

He shrugged it off, though still keeping it in mind. and dozed away. His last thoughts were aimed at the discussion and comfort the two would be dealing with in the morning. Or, any time. As long as his certain love was fine with it, they'd both be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry that the ending is slightly vague— and the whole problem in general haha. i wouldve put more information and details, but i decided that it felt best to leave it be. and apologies if this isn't my best writing. i wrote majority of this around 1-4 am and the rest two days later.
> 
> thank you for reading 💙💚


End file.
